Perry's Perspective: Lighthouse Parenting

In a recent piece in The Atlantic titled "Lighthouse Parents Have More Confident Kids," Russell Shaw, Head of School at Georgetown Day School in Washington, D.C., wrote, “Sometimes, the best thing a parent can do is nothing at all.” Though I had previously heard the terms “helicopter parents” (parents who fly in to rescue a child) and “snowplow parents” (parents who flatten any obstacle in their child’s way), given our location on the Cape, the phrase “lighthouse parents” caught my attention. Having, at times, been both a helicopter and snowplow parent, I found Shaw’s article insightful and highly recommend reading it.

A “lighthouse parent,” according to Shaw, is one who “stands as a steady, reliable guide, providing safety and clarity without controlling every aspect of their child’s journey.” Just as a lighthouse helps sailors avoid crashing into rocks, lighthouse parents “provide firm boundaries and emotional support while allowing their children the freedom to navigate their own challenges.” It involves listening and asking, rather than telling and fixing. For example: “It sounds like that’s really hard,” or, “Do you have ideas about what you want to do?”—instead of, “I’m going to email the teacher so that . . . .” Shaw recommends standing alongside schools when addressing the inevitable mistakes adolescents make, “communicating a clear and aligned message to support their child’s growth.” He writes, “[w]hen parents seek to control outcomes for their kids, they are trading short-term wins for long-term thriving—they’re trading the promise of a college bumper sticker for a happy, well-adjusted 35-year-old.”

Shaw draws on the work of psychologist Diana Baumrind and subsequent researchers who identified four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, and authoritative. He writes:

"Authoritarian parents make all decisions for their children with little room for negotiation. Permissive parents avoid conflict by setting few boundaries, often leading their children to struggle with discipline and focus. Uninvolved parents are disconnected, providing minimal support or structure. Authoritative parents allow for some flexibility, combining clear expectations with the willingness to listen. Authoritative parents are lighthouse parents. They are clear on values but open to a range of ways those values can be put into practice; they balance structure and autonomy. The research shows that authoritative parenting yields the best outcomes for kids and tends to produce happy and competent adults. Although this framework may seem simple or even intuitive, too many parents struggle to adopt it."

Fortunately, as Shaw notes, all parents shift between being authoritarian, permissive, uninvolved, or authoritative at different times, depending on the situation and what’s happening in their own lives. The important thing is to maintain perspective, focusing on long-term outcomes rather than short-term fixes.

Shaw concludes, “[w]hen we trust our children to navigate their own course—with us as steady and supportive guides—we lighten our own load and empower them to thrive.”

David Perry, Head of School
Falmouth Academy